Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
