my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
