your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
