After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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