There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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