Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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