I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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