hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
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Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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