I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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