fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
