I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
