WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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