so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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