Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
