are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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