Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
