bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
