I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
