It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
