I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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