I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
