What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
