you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
