Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
