i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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