The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The police scanner is talking about you again....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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