The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Let's paint friendship bongs
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
