never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
