So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's blow job season.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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