so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
