i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
