I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
MIDGETS
????
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
