I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
