Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i out mim tonsoeep
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