I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
