Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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