I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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