we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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