After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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