Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
