Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
