fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
