I've blown a few things in my day
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
