Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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