Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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