My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
