separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
