If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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