They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
