sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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