i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
