you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
