i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
