apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
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Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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