I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
