she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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