Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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