You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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