i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
