well you can't waste a boner
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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