Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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