That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
