Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
