Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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